Sunday, was the first time I’d ever been with someone when they died. I wish I’d been there for my American grandparents, but the hospital said that I was too young so I had to wait downstairs while the grownups got to say goodbye. They said that when my Pops passed away three tears rolled out of his eyes, one for each grandchild. Maybe if we’d been there he wouldn’t have had to cry because he’d have known that we were with him.
I still can’t believe that Fletcher’s gone. One minute I was holding his hand to try and make it warm again while stroking his hair and the next he stopped breathing. He’d said that he was ready to go, and we told ourselves that we would let him go when it was time but it was still excruciating. They made us leave the room while they tried to revive him until Edna told them they could stop. When they let us back in after cleaning him a bit Edna threw herself on top of her body in the most anguish I’ve ever seen anyone experience. Monday would have been their 55th wedding anniversary. I stayed with Edna while their daughter drove to their son’s house to tell him in person and we kept talking about heaven and how nice it would be for him to see my grandparents, the child they lost when he was only 3 months old, his parents, and all of his friends that went before him….and I wish I knew. I wish I knew deep in my heart that is what happens. That Fletcher really can walk again and that he’s up there telling jokes and watching over us, but I don’t. I don’t know and that’s incredibly painful.
Last night I went to McKinney Falls by myself to ride my bike along the trails and think. I came around a corner and found myself face to face with a lone deer. A young male with new antlers and a fresh coat and we just stared at each other for a long time. He even took a step toward me, but then a hiker came up and startled him. While I was looking into the deer’s eyes I felt peaceful. After my ride I went and swam at the lower falls. I sank to the bottom, held on to a rock, and let the current sway my body. It was so quiet and calm. The only noise was of the current tumbling a few rocks. Floating on the surface I watched birds settle in for the night and the breeze move the delicate leaves of the cypress trees and I wish Fletcher and my grandparents and great aunt and uncle and all the other people I’ve lost could have been there with me.
I still can’t believe that Fletcher’s gone. One minute I was holding his hand to try and make it warm again while stroking his hair and the next he stopped breathing. He’d said that he was ready to go, and we told ourselves that we would let him go when it was time but it was still excruciating. They made us leave the room while they tried to revive him until Edna told them they could stop. When they let us back in after cleaning him a bit Edna threw herself on top of her body in the most anguish I’ve ever seen anyone experience. Monday would have been their 55th wedding anniversary. I stayed with Edna while their daughter drove to their son’s house to tell him in person and we kept talking about heaven and how nice it would be for him to see my grandparents, the child they lost when he was only 3 months old, his parents, and all of his friends that went before him….and I wish I knew. I wish I knew deep in my heart that is what happens. That Fletcher really can walk again and that he’s up there telling jokes and watching over us, but I don’t. I don’t know and that’s incredibly painful.
Last night I went to McKinney Falls by myself to ride my bike along the trails and think. I came around a corner and found myself face to face with a lone deer. A young male with new antlers and a fresh coat and we just stared at each other for a long time. He even took a step toward me, but then a hiker came up and startled him. While I was looking into the deer’s eyes I felt peaceful. After my ride I went and swam at the lower falls. I sank to the bottom, held on to a rock, and let the current sway my body. It was so quiet and calm. The only noise was of the current tumbling a few rocks. Floating on the surface I watched birds settle in for the night and the breeze move the delicate leaves of the cypress trees and I wish Fletcher and my grandparents and great aunt and uncle and all the other people I’ve lost could have been there with me.
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