Wednesday, March 26, 2008
“Screw Touching Hands”
she told the girl who’d delicately asked her if she’d just hold her hand since she was having a bad day. Yup, that’s Ara for ya. This is one of the MANY reasons I love her so much. Someone asks for a little bit of affection and gets that in response, quickly followed by a lingering bear hug. Why give a little love when you can give a LOT?
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Barefoot Waltzing
is surely the way to world peace. Well barefoot waltzing, plus friends cooking for you, plus wine, plus a trampoline, plus a real life wandering minstrel to strum a country tune about Buda & Jesus sitting in a tree, plus beautiful Austin weather, plus a dancing partner, plus friends who laugh but don’t judge. Mid-week contentment comes from strange and wonderful sources.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Enough
Is it possible to ever feel like you’re enough? Good, brave, strong, faithful, devoted, caring, fun, athletic, adventurous, giving, patient, knowledgeable, … When is enough, enough? And how can I feel content one day and other days feel like I’ve come up completely short? If I look at any of my friends I’d say they far exceed enough but when I look at myself there’s always something more I could have/should have/would have done.
Today is was brief portion of an email, “What needs to be done in the South East area of Austin???? Being that this is what your KAB does, if you could throw some ideas my way, that would be great.”
It’s a small church group that wants to get more involved in their part of town, and I’d give a lot to have the time to meet with them for coffee like they asked, go out to the site, scout out projects, train them on how to rally the community, help find funds for the projects,.but I can’t. There simply isn’t enough staff time to keep all of the programs running and have this level of involvement with a group that’s just starting out (and as unfortunately my experience has shown only handful of these enthusiastic groups keep the enthusiasm up through completion of projects). I have this almost overpowering urge to offer to meet with them on my personal time (like I do all too often for my own good) to encourage them and get them started, but I’ve been trying to cut back on this since I’m already overcommitted on volunteer projects and want to have time to spend with my friends and myself. So in the end, I end up feeling selfish (which everyone tells me is irrational) because I tell them no I can’t meet them after work because I need to do things like laundry and pay bills.
I feel like a failure and unworthy.
If I hadn’t watched Dancing with the Stars last night, just maybe...maybe I could have been enough today.
Today is was brief portion of an email, “What needs to be done in the South East area of Austin???? Being that this is what your KAB does, if you could throw some ideas my way, that would be great.”
It’s a small church group that wants to get more involved in their part of town, and I’d give a lot to have the time to meet with them for coffee like they asked, go out to the site, scout out projects, train them on how to rally the community, help find funds for the projects,.but I can’t. There simply isn’t enough staff time to keep all of the programs running and have this level of involvement with a group that’s just starting out (and as unfortunately my experience has shown only handful of these enthusiastic groups keep the enthusiasm up through completion of projects). I have this almost overpowering urge to offer to meet with them on my personal time (like I do all too often for my own good) to encourage them and get them started, but I’ve been trying to cut back on this since I’m already overcommitted on volunteer projects and want to have time to spend with my friends and myself. So in the end, I end up feeling selfish (which everyone tells me is irrational) because I tell them no I can’t meet them after work because I need to do things like laundry and pay bills.
I feel like a failure and unworthy.
If I hadn’t watched Dancing with the Stars last night, just maybe...maybe I could have been enough today.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Tell Me Lies
But only if they’re sweet and pretty or wait don’t tell me any at all? I’m reading this book about a man who tries to interpret the bible literally and applies all of the rules to his life for one year, but how much interpretation is too much and how do you decide? What’s a white lie, an omission, a flat out evil manipulation of the truth,…
I was just outside on my lunchtime walk enjoying the clear blue skies, sunshine, ..you know the typical Austin end of February day, when I walked by Hooters (not my normal route but I needed to drop off my utilities payment) when 3 guys in army uniforms called out to me.
-Excuse me miss?
-(Internal dialogue: Ignore them and keep walking? They’re probably going to make some stupid comment anyway just keep going. No, it’s a pretty day and you shouldn’t judge them based on where they ate lunch…be nice) “Yes”
-Have you ever thought about joining the military?
-no, laugh, absolutely not!
End of discussion
Then the rest of my walk by Lady Bird Lake was spent analyzing if I lied to them or not instead of just enjoying the thrill of being away from a computer and phone.
Have I ever thought about joining? Well, not about me myself and I joining. I did think about being a civilian teacher employed through the armed services…does that count? And I’ve thought about the topic about joining the military quite a bit. Why do people join, are recruitment tactics fair, what are the advantages to some people who wouldn’t see the world any other way or have access to education, why did my grandparents join, how are people perceived once they join, should recruits believe in the current battles, and the list goes on and on. So clearly I have thought about it and lied to them when I said that I hadn’t.
Do the three guys care? Chances are that the few words we exchanged outside Hooters were not top of their conversation list on the way back to base, so didn’t I accomplish the goal of communication and save them time trying to recruit me when they could be targeting someone else?
Next time I’m going to just stick with “not interested”. That’s honest right?
I was just outside on my lunchtime walk enjoying the clear blue skies, sunshine, ..you know the typical Austin end of February day, when I walked by Hooters (not my normal route but I needed to drop off my utilities payment) when 3 guys in army uniforms called out to me.
-Excuse me miss?
-(Internal dialogue: Ignore them and keep walking? They’re probably going to make some stupid comment anyway just keep going. No, it’s a pretty day and you shouldn’t judge them based on where they ate lunch…be nice) “Yes”
-Have you ever thought about joining the military?
-no, laugh, absolutely not!
End of discussion
Then the rest of my walk by Lady Bird Lake was spent analyzing if I lied to them or not instead of just enjoying the thrill of being away from a computer and phone.
Have I ever thought about joining? Well, not about me myself and I joining. I did think about being a civilian teacher employed through the armed services…does that count? And I’ve thought about the topic about joining the military quite a bit. Why do people join, are recruitment tactics fair, what are the advantages to some people who wouldn’t see the world any other way or have access to education, why did my grandparents join, how are people perceived once they join, should recruits believe in the current battles, and the list goes on and on. So clearly I have thought about it and lied to them when I said that I hadn’t.
Do the three guys care? Chances are that the few words we exchanged outside Hooters were not top of their conversation list on the way back to base, so didn’t I accomplish the goal of communication and save them time trying to recruit me when they could be targeting someone else?
Next time I’m going to just stick with “not interested”. That’s honest right?
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
FOMA
Finally a diagnosis...Friday one of the Rouge Running trainers put a diagnosis to my disease, FOMA (Fear of Missing Anything). It has a name, and I’m not alone.
Everyone else seems to be content to do a couple of things a week, but I love variety and feel like I’m missing life if I say no to an opportunity even if it means that I miss sleep and down time. Yesterday ran 8 miles, hung out at Barton Springs for several hours, read a book, talked others into joining me at the springs, went to mass, out to the Oasis for dinner, and then almost got roped into going to Momos for music. Just looked at my workweek schedule and outside of work: Monday (it’s Presidents Day and I have it off) – running, Barton Springs swim, violin lessons, yoga (maybe dinner with friends), Tuesday – run 3 miles, Capoeira Angola class, Wednesday – run 5 miles, yoga, play “Death and the King’s Horseman”, Thursday – run 3 miles, play “Beat Voices”, beers with friends, Friday – collapse? (or get talked into whatever someone throws out there).
So am I embracing life or just racing through it?
Friday night I had dinner with a new friend and he described his life as a canvas that was being wiped clean of memories every time he goes into work. That increasingly those things he thought he’d always remember and didn’t need to take pictures of or write about in a journal have simply vanished, but somehow the blank canvas has become soothing. My life right now seems to be a bright canvas and my workweek only adds to the color, which seems good right? Then he pointed out that often beauty comes from simplicity.
So do I guide my life toward becoming a garish abstract, an elegant and focused study, or something in between? If the color added compliments the overall work and in the end all of the little dots merge to create a lasting and cohesive work of beauty then doesn’t that show that we can have it all and embrace the journey?
Everyone else seems to be content to do a couple of things a week, but I love variety and feel like I’m missing life if I say no to an opportunity even if it means that I miss sleep and down time. Yesterday ran 8 miles, hung out at Barton Springs for several hours, read a book, talked others into joining me at the springs, went to mass, out to the Oasis for dinner, and then almost got roped into going to Momos for music. Just looked at my workweek schedule and outside of work: Monday (it’s Presidents Day and I have it off) – running, Barton Springs swim, violin lessons, yoga (maybe dinner with friends), Tuesday – run 3 miles, Capoeira Angola class, Wednesday – run 5 miles, yoga, play “Death and the King’s Horseman”, Thursday – run 3 miles, play “Beat Voices”, beers with friends, Friday – collapse? (or get talked into whatever someone throws out there).
So am I embracing life or just racing through it?
Friday night I had dinner with a new friend and he described his life as a canvas that was being wiped clean of memories every time he goes into work. That increasingly those things he thought he’d always remember and didn’t need to take pictures of or write about in a journal have simply vanished, but somehow the blank canvas has become soothing. My life right now seems to be a bright canvas and my workweek only adds to the color, which seems good right? Then he pointed out that often beauty comes from simplicity.
So do I guide my life toward becoming a garish abstract, an elegant and focused study, or something in between? If the color added compliments the overall work and in the end all of the little dots merge to create a lasting and cohesive work of beauty then doesn’t that show that we can have it all and embrace the journey?
Friday, February 1, 2008
Eliana
It’s a widely known fact that little girls grow up talking about names for their future kids that they may or may not have. Some girls get so attached to the idea that using “their” name can cause a very dramatic end to the friendship. I was never that involved in the game, and along the way have used the names I used to talk about with my little elementary school friends on foster animals. Natasha was given to a beautiful calico with stunning green eyes and Nadia was a sweet mutt. See not that passionate about the game, but then Eliana hit me.
I was reading “Three Cups of Tea” about a mountaineer who grew up at the base of Kilimanjaro and spent his adult life building schools in remote regions of Pakistan and his daughter’s middle name is Eliana. Here’s why it’s perfect:
-It’s a Swahili word which translates into Gift From God, which is my name too. Since I was born on my mother’s birthday my father’s students named me Mmpho-ya-modimo…English translation, Gift From God. Trying to spit that mouthful out would be a curse for any kid growing up outside Botswana, so the Swahili version it is. It would be like having a Jr. but with a fun African link, and be a way to honor my mom too.
-Can be used as Eliana or Eli or Ana
-A few years ago my Auntie Eli (one of my Dad’s sisters) passed away, meaning that my paternal grandparents lost 2 out of 4 children before their time. My brother David’s named after my Dad’s brother, and this way both of the lost siblings could be remembered. Auntie Eli was the person who literally gave me a sense of direction in life. When I was 15 she plunked me down in the car, handed me a road map, and went wherever I told her. It didn’t matter if I made a mistake, we’d just turn around and sort it out and there were definitely a few life lessons learnt along the way.
So there it is. I’m no where near having kids, but I’m going to hold onto this name…just in case.
I was reading “Three Cups of Tea” about a mountaineer who grew up at the base of Kilimanjaro and spent his adult life building schools in remote regions of Pakistan and his daughter’s middle name is Eliana. Here’s why it’s perfect:
-It’s a Swahili word which translates into Gift From God, which is my name too. Since I was born on my mother’s birthday my father’s students named me Mmpho-ya-modimo…English translation, Gift From God. Trying to spit that mouthful out would be a curse for any kid growing up outside Botswana, so the Swahili version it is. It would be like having a Jr. but with a fun African link, and be a way to honor my mom too.
-Can be used as Eliana or Eli or Ana
-A few years ago my Auntie Eli (one of my Dad’s sisters) passed away, meaning that my paternal grandparents lost 2 out of 4 children before their time. My brother David’s named after my Dad’s brother, and this way both of the lost siblings could be remembered. Auntie Eli was the person who literally gave me a sense of direction in life. When I was 15 she plunked me down in the car, handed me a road map, and went wherever I told her. It didn’t matter if I made a mistake, we’d just turn around and sort it out and there were definitely a few life lessons learnt along the way.
So there it is. I’m no where near having kids, but I’m going to hold onto this name…just in case.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
1 Month
How can it be the end of January already?! Remember when you were in elementary school and each year really did feel like an eternity? Everything could change in the 6 weeks between report cards, and by that time you barely even remembered who you’d been 6 weeks before.
I think I still manage to pack lots of life into my time, but it seems to zip by at an ever quickening pace and I’m not sure if it’s that I’m finally becoming an American or just older (maybe a bit wiser…but don’t hold me to that).
So since I last found time to sit down and write I’ve:
-picked my oh so lovely brother up from the airport
-enjoyed having a crazy swimming buddy again (see above) who’s willing to jump into Barton Springs, McKinney Falls, our lake…in December
-spent a week back in good ole East TX
-went to Beth & Matthews wedding (and danced with both the bride and groom, not at the same time)
-hiked up to the highest point in TX
-camped in below freezing conditions with very limited camping supplies
-made s’ mores with x-mas tree peeps
-transferred all my work webpages from one site to another, organized a rappelling cleanup, and realized I’ve already got projects that I’m working on for the fall
-done 2 live broadcasts and 3 other tv interviews (and just a bit of bragging time…was told by one of the camera men that I should consider a job in pr)
-joined the Capital Metro Citizen Advisory Committee
-had the flu
-gave my number to a good looking stranger in a bar, and went out on a date (shocking I know)
-volunteered at 2 tree plantings
-and tomorrow I’m running another half-marathon
Of course I also managed to fit in lots of live music, dinners with friends, and time in coffee shops but somehow I want more. That’s not normal, is it?
I think I still manage to pack lots of life into my time, but it seems to zip by at an ever quickening pace and I’m not sure if it’s that I’m finally becoming an American or just older (maybe a bit wiser…but don’t hold me to that).
So since I last found time to sit down and write I’ve:
-picked my oh so lovely brother up from the airport
-enjoyed having a crazy swimming buddy again (see above) who’s willing to jump into Barton Springs, McKinney Falls, our lake…in December
-spent a week back in good ole East TX
-went to Beth & Matthews wedding (and danced with both the bride and groom, not at the same time)
-hiked up to the highest point in TX
-camped in below freezing conditions with very limited camping supplies
-made s’ mores with x-mas tree peeps
-transferred all my work webpages from one site to another, organized a rappelling cleanup, and realized I’ve already got projects that I’m working on for the fall
-done 2 live broadcasts and 3 other tv interviews (and just a bit of bragging time…was told by one of the camera men that I should consider a job in pr)
-joined the Capital Metro Citizen Advisory Committee
-had the flu
-gave my number to a good looking stranger in a bar, and went out on a date (shocking I know)
-volunteered at 2 tree plantings
-and tomorrow I’m running another half-marathon
Of course I also managed to fit in lots of live music, dinners with friends, and time in coffee shops but somehow I want more. That’s not normal, is it?
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